The Brits 2010/1996

22 Feb

The Brits 2010 really did take place this year, though most of the guests and hired talent made it seem distinctly 1996. First, there was Liam Gallagher, all mascara and middle-aged feather cut, sticking out his chest as if his slack jawed strut still meant anything to anyone outside of The Courteeners. Geri Halliwell then arrived, looking toned, orange and mentally ill – every family has an auntie like this. “Is Peter Kaye doing okayyy?” she rasped at the audience, begging them for approval so the host could regain his nerve and halt the streams of piss caused by his performance which was, on all levels, as funny as cancer of the bollock.

And just as you thought Geri’s aunty gibber couldn’t get any worse, Courtney Love turned up, grinning like a stoned cat. Why? We’re not sure, but she was in town and probably fancied going dogging with the one from Kasabian who looks like a chunky Eddie Izzard and spoon feeding Ellie Goulding some MDMA jelly. But it’s the Brits – so let’s not forget it’s as much about Tom Ford and Sam Fox as well as the people that create the music! What did poor Jay Z think? If he actually knew what Butlins was, he would have believed he was there, but Sam Fox would have been an ageing waitress and JLS would have been called Urban Thrillz and exposed their buttocks for peanuts. And we mean KP Nuts, not actual money.

The biggest unsolved mystery was the appearance of Cheryl Cole. The UK public has seen her mime that auto-tuned-Geordie song a billion times. She’s so ashamed, she wears giant shades and as many clothes as possible, exposing the only bits of flesh she’s happy with. For reference, this appears to be the 3 inch square patches either side of her belly button. The best bit was the house megamix interlude, which saw Cheryl look as awkward as the time she slapped that toilet attendant. Puckering her lips and shifting her shoulders like some aztec epileptic, Cheryl defined what the Brits has become. Usually a place for people who have sold some records to sell many more to Asda customers, The Brits is now advertising space for A-Z listers. For every Jay Z, there’s a Sugababe waiting to maximise exposure by indecently exposing herself or working her way into Robbie’s Range Rover.

Next time Mr Brits, how about making it all about the acts that matter, not the ones you blackmailed into attending, hmm?

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One Response to “The Brits 2010/1996”

  1. Perry Wikoff May 30, 2010 at 9:04 pm #

    Have now got standard CD of St.Jude by the courteeners and guess what – Acrylic is on there as a hidden track! My CD player and my PC both detect 21 tracks, the first 12 are the listings you can see on all the usual websites, there are then 8 shorts tracks of silence, and track 21 is Acrylic – has anyone else spotted this????

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