The Tool List

7 Sep
  1. KELLY JONES

The pint sized leader of The Stereophonics got beaten up in a brawl last year. And by a brawl we mean a one-sided fight involving Kelly, a bouncer and a slashed arm at the after show party for the Vodafone Music Awards. Sadly, blood loss was limited and resulted in just a month of band downtime while Kelly enlisted a bodyguard and called the tabloids to cry for publicity. He gets extra points for standing alone at V Festival backstage, waiting for someone to speak to him and nodding to passers by who never acknowledged him in the first place. The 2007 tour schedule sees his band playing smaller venues than before and the new album sounds like a wet fart being blown through the kind of comb you use for killing nits. Without a doubt, the biggest wanker to ever hold a guitar.

2. NICKY WIRE

God, we used to like you Nicky.  But your new album is average and dressing like a woman in 2008 makes you look like a character from Bo Selecta. You’re 38, look 49 and need a new image. And all of this from a man in a band that once admitted that they’d probably do a single album and then burn out rather than sell out. Nicky can currently be seen touring universities in the UK and doing scissor kicks, jumps and ludicrous posturing in the camp cock-rock musical that is The Manic Street Preachers.

3. Carlos D

Interpol would be bearable if this twat with the groomed facial hair finally realised his ultimate goth desires and killed himself. Looking more like a leader of a provincial brass band than a rock star, Carlos never speaks. While this would be considered cool in some circles, this is actually because his voice has the shrill tone of a chicken at the point of orgasm.

4. JAMIE REYNOLDS

Jamie is the kind of hamster faced chubster that prevent the Klaxons from breaking the US. Flubbering up to the stage at the Mercury Music awards with his leg in a cast, Jamie looked like a disabled Grotbags after a couple of pills. Sweating like an Iceland mum and chewing his face off at the same time, Jamie is the unacceptable face of the new rave road show. Even fellow band mates must be embarrassed by his refusal to ditch the doughnuts.

5. SHED SEVEN

Back from various plumbing and painter/decorator operations up north, the lads raided the kitty for some leather jackets, new haircuts and joined Fitness First to limber up for the new tour. The Christmas reunion tour! The band play a staggering 17 venues in December which seems impressive until you discover that Portsmouth, Inverness and Aberdeen are included on the tour roster. Venues are sold out, mainly because of local papers tipping the band as ‘the next Travis’. The band are currently asking for charitable donations to provide catering and accommodation during the tour. All profits are to be spent on a decade of unpaid council tax.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: